Evan Cherchiglia Final Project: Social Deprivation: Where I am Now

Social Deprivation: Where I am Now

I am Evan Cherchiglia

            My name is Evan Cherchiglia and I was alone throughout my teenage years. Yet, I still am standing today as a proud socially accepted Caucasian male that supports equality and humanity. Throughout the course of this paper I will discuss how my depression and lack of social experiences define me as a human today. Allow me to start out by explaining that I did go to school in Shaker Heights, Ohio. I had a middle school and high school experience, just once that lacked social experience. Living in Shaker Heights allows me to explain that my family had a middle class socioeconomic status. I had a loving family back then, and they still love me now. They took care of me and did everything in their power to give me a positive experience.

Throughout the teenage years, people are given the opportunity to explore their individuality through joining clubs, social clicks, ensembles, and sports. It is at this point in their life where teenagers begin to find out their likes and dislikes. Teenagers begin puberty and experience different hormonal changes. They gain intelligence, the ability to define their image, and maybe even meet the love of their life. Teenagers rebel against families and begin to learn about gender roles, stereotypes, racism, prejudice, and how these issues affect them on a daily basis. World issues are also presented to teens provoking critical thinking and opinions while preparing themselves for college. Teenagers are given the opportunity to indulge themselves in topics that interest them and are pushed to understand real world economics and the state of the nation. So what happens when a person misses all of these social experiences? How does that person catch up in life? How does that person experience those experiences that were missed in high school?

When I was in elementary school, I dealt with a lot of frienddships. I had a lot of friends at first, and was invited to all of the “play dates”. One of my closest friends was Steven London. Steven was my next door neighbor and he always used to get into trouble and bring me down with him. I did not realize it at the time, but Steven had always taken advantage of me. One day Steven and I were playing hockey in the back yard and he broke the basketball hoop with his hockey stick. He told his dad that “there was a squirrel chasing a raccoon and they broke the hoop off the garage door”. Steven explained to me that this was a small lie and lying was okay. I did not really know what lying was at the time and he taught me how to lie so that I would not get caught.

Evan Cherchiglia in Sixth Grade

 I dealt with a lot of family issues as well. Going back to the fifth and sixth grades, I would come home from school and my father was either fighting with my mother, or he was not there at all. My mom would always euphemize the situations and lie to me. I did not realize the severity of the family issues until I was in middle school. The fighting then was the beginning of a nasty divorce between my parents. I became a drummer during this time and I practiced a lot. Every time my parents were going to have a major fight, they told me to practice. I first noticed the fighting when I would stop practicing and read the music given to me.

Going into middle school and throughout high school, I began to lie a lot. I became a pathological liar and a compulsive liar. This means that I lied often and truly believed every lie I told. I even lied to my parents. I knew in the back of my head that I was lying, but eventually this became routine and unnoticeable. My ignorance blinded my ability to see how obvious it was to see a liar. According to a TED Talk by Pamela Meyer, she explains that, “We know liars will shift their blink rate, shift their feet toward an exit, use objects as barriers, and even shift their vocal tone to make it much lower. These are just behaviors, not truth of deception. They are red flags, and not proof of lying. When you see clusters of these actions at once, that demonstrates deception. When you see these, don’t be too aggressive about it, just talk to them about it.” This makes sense to me because I lied a lot. I used to do all of these “red flags”. When I lied, I would always change my blinking rate. I actually become aware of what I did when lying, and became really good at concealing my lies. Most of the time, I lied for attention.

Please understand that going into middle school, I matured a lot slower than the majority of my classmates. I was made fun of, called every bad name in the book. I’m not using this as any excuse, but because everyone matured faster than I, people began to outcast me. I asked Steven why people did not view me as a friend. He told me that I was a boring person and should “make up things to start interesting conversations.” In my mind I thought he was telling me to make up lies. This was not the message he was displaying to me, but that was how my mind worked. I lied and gained a lot of friends at first. People soon began to see how outrageous my stories were. This caused me to become an undesirable person.

Around the third week of middle school, my parents would fight more frequently. I noticed my dad would sleep on the couch, sometimes he would not be in the house at all. He told me “the couch was more comfortable” or that he “had a lot of business trips.” Eventually the situation became too intense to hide. About midway through seventh grade, my parents told me the truth about the divorce. Because of my lies, nobody believed me when I reached out for help. I was left trapped in my own social prison I created. I was unable to talk to anyone about this because when you lie, people won’t believe you even when you tell the truth. Just like the children book The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

An Article on Web MD called Causes of Depression, states, “Conflict. Depression in someone who has the biological vulnerability to develop depression may result from personal conflicts or disputes with family members or friends.” My depression and anxiety may have happened because of all of the conflicts I had to deal with in middle school and in high school. I had to deal with the conflicts at home, and the lying at school.

One major conflict I had to deal with was before the actual divorce, when my parents had to separate certain items for the divorce agreement. When my parents separated sports memorabilia, my brother wanted one specific item. My grandfather said some nasty words to my brother that made my brother and father extremely displeased. My mother became enraged at my father because he disrespected my grandfather. She completely missed the fact that my grandfather was rude to her son. My father told my mother that she should, “Shut the F*** up!!” Then told my grandfather to, “Shut your dinosaur A** mouth!!” I then ran into the room and yelled at everyone to, “PLEASE STOP!! EVERYONE PLEASE STOP!!” Obviously everyone was blinded from the fire of the situation. My brother could hear that I yelled. He bolted into the room, and yelled at everyone.  My brother wanted to protect me anyway he could. My grandfather told my father to leave. He then proceeded to call the police on my father. Then my grandfather continued to yell at my brother. The argument led downstairs. At this point, I locked myself in my room. So I only heard the remainder of the conflict through people in my family.

My brother wanted to get my grandfather out of the house. My brother grabbed a knife in order to protect himself. He used the butt end of the knife to break a vase. My brother asked my grandfather to leave. My grandfather did, but as soon as he went outside the police arrived. He told the police what my seventeen year old brother did. My grandfather thought my brother would just get off with “a slap on the wrist”, or a warning. The police arrested my brother and my family was absolutely bum founded. This conflict was one of many that more than likely led to my depression. It is difficult seeing your brother stick up for you and then end up in juvenile detention center.

Evan Cherchiglia Playing Hockey

My reputation I gained in middle school, as a liar, followed me all throughout high school. I was always the blunt of every ones jokes. People would talk about me behind my back. Women would joke with me and tell me that “You’re cute! I’d go out with you if you were not a liar.” People would stare at me when I walked the halls and lie to me all of the time because “I deserved it”. It was at this point in my life, where I could not figure out if people were being truthful to me or not. I was never asked to a dance. My dating life was completely nonexistent. Tony Porter discusses the “man-box” in his TED Talk. I was sad all the time, but I would not show any emotions because I had to be a “man”. I was raised and taught by my family, to fit into this “man-box”. I should show any emotions. I should not show fear anyone. I was supposed to be tough and not feel any pain. I had to cope with all of this, “as a man.” The only way I could begin to cope was with percussion and playing sports. I played sports in high school because I believed that would make me more of a man. I believe that I would be more respected.I played hockey my sophomore through senior year of high school and was in plenty of percussion based extra-curricular activities. Hitting different percussion instruments and checking people while on the ice, was a huge anxiety release for me. I felt like I had to fit into the predetermined gender roles of being a man.

Evan Playing Drums 

Comparing me to a normal high school student is difficult. So I would like to show you this chart made by Joe Oxley. Oxley splits the high school mind in to six characteristics that are: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual/ Cognitive, Moral, Psychosocial, and social. This chart explains how these characteristics identify high school students and how they think.

Maslow determines that there are five basic steps to reach self-actualization. There are biological and physical needs; like food, water, shelter, warmth, sleep and sex. I was deprived of Maslow’s basic need of sex. Although I didn’t really care too much about sex, and never have. Maslow’s second stage of hierarchy is safety needs and that contains; protection from the elements, security, order, law, stability, and freedom from fear. Here I was missing a combination of security, stability, and freedom of fear. I was constantly scared for my own well-being. The third stage is love and belonging needs. These include friendship, intimacy, affection and love. I felt like I completely missed this whole step because in middle school and high school that prevented me from completing any of these tasks. Obviously this is where my hike up Maslow’s ladder stops. Being around the third stage is usually because of social awkwardness. This stage usually leads to depression because of the lack of love.

Maslow's Hierarchy

So where am I now after missing all of these social experiences? How did I catch up in life? How did I experience those experiences that were missed in high school? I came to college with a high school academic knowledge and a middle school social knowledge. I did not understand how to act socially. This social deprivation still affects me today. As you do with everything in life, you learn how to deal with it. You learn how to own your shortcomings and learn from your experiences. I honestly did not catch up socially until I met a solid group of friends. I began to work at Chipotle Mexican Grill and gained a friend group there. My friend Mary Seymour from Chipotle informed me about a retreat called “Spirit of Kairos”. This retreat helped me understand myself and understand that there are a lot of people who love me. There was a lot more people than I previously believed. The Kairos community allowed me the opportunity to tell my story and people love me for doing so. The Kairos community taught me to love others too. We should all love people for who they are not judge them based on their past. What matters is who they are in the present. The community offered ten or more years of social knowledge that I did not have previously. So how do I define myself currently? I am a Caucasian man who respects people of any race and gender. I don’t see anyone as different. I believe that every person has one defining characteristic. That is that we are all human beings. We should love ourselves as humans because we will always be humans. There will always be certain characteristics that tell us apart. No matter what we do in life, we will always have our humanity.