Final Draft - My "Broken" Family

My "Broken" Family

“Oh, I’m sorry.” This sentence is one that I have heard several times since I was nearly four years old. Before my fourth birthday, my parents made the decision to divorce. For some reason, people I became friends with in elementary school, after understanding that my mom and dad don’t live together, middle school, and even in high school, seem to think that I have encountered some sort of misfortune in my childhood that was spent dividing weeks between two houses and juggling my time on holidays. Not once have I ever felt sorry for myself because I have parents who made the brave decision to separate from one another. In fact, I am extremely thankful to both my mom and my dad for the choice they made. Being raised as a “child of divorce” has had a major impact on my life and it has shaped me into the young woman I am today. I have been able to become independent and adaptable. I have learned that I should be in healthy relationships with people who make me happy. Spending time with parents individually allowed me to become extremely close with them both. Most importantly, I have been given so many wonderful, loving, and supportive people that I now get to call family who I probably would never have even met had my parents not divorced. Each of them has contributed to shaping me into who I am.  

Dad, me, Mom atop Jeff Hill.

Independence

I believe that I became independent earlier than other kids my age. Research has found that individuals whose parents divorce while they are children tend to become distrusting of their parents and see them as people whom cannot be counted on. Though this is definitely not true in my case, I definitely did have to figure out things on my own. As a child, I didn’t have consistent parenting because of the nature of my life. I am not saying in any way that my parents were bad parents or that they didn’t do their part in raising me. They certainly did. I believe that I have excellent parents. However, living in two different households lends to two different parenting styles.

Mickey Mouse, me, Mom.

My mom was the lenient one. I could convince her of almost anything. I was a good kid, but I am well aware that I was completely spoiled by my mom while I was growing up. My dad was the one who taught me discipline. I vividly remember fighting him over the summers when I was in

elementary school because 8:30pm was just entirely too early for my younger self to be going to bed, especially during the summer when it was still light out. He never budged.

These different approaches to parenthood allowed me to take the bits of what both of my parents were trying to do and mold them together. I am someone who very much enjoys giving people what they ask for, like my mom. I do, however, hold by my morals and principals, like my dad. However, I am a product of this because I molded myself to be someone who fit both types of parenting techniques I was raised.

Another reason independence is something that came to me early is I always had a lot of choices to make. I vividly remember sitting with both of my parents on the porch of my great-grandparents, who watched me while both of my parents were at work, being asked if I wanted to go to Catholic school or public school. I was five years old and already making decisions for myself about my education. Now that I look back at it, it was a bit ridiculous. I only chose public school because it meant I would ride the bus with my friend who lives next door and is two years older than I am. It turned out to be a good decision, in my opinion.

By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was treated by both of my parents as an adult, despite the fact that I didn’t even have a drivers’ license and had never held a job. I still had a curfew and had to ask permission to do things, but I had good friends and I was responsible so, whenever I wanted to go to the movies or cosmic bowling, the answer was almost always yes.

Adaptability

I am a media student here at Ohio University with full intentions of moving to Los Angeles and pursuing a career in the television industry upon my graduation next may. One thing that is always stressed as a characteristic that will help lead to consistent work is the ability to adapt. I consider myself lucky that I had to face challenges from the time I was young due to my parents divorce. These challenges gave the opportunity to get used to change and learn how to adapt.

The first big challenge I faced happened before my fourth birthday. My mom and I moved out of my dad’s house and into an apartment about ten minutes away. This is something that was a little rough at first. I was so young that I don’t fully remember my mom and I moving into our apartment, though I do have small, insignificant memories there. One of which involves me at age four becoming very upset when my dad arrived to take me for my two days with him in the middle of Hocus Pocus. I also had to deal with being old enough to know that my life was changing in ways I couldn’t control, but too young to fully grasp and understand why. According to Child Development Specialist Dr. Karen DeBord, this is completely normal for a child my age. In her article Focus on Kids: The Effects of Divorce on Children, she writes that children who are preschool-aged (like I was) at the time of divorce realize that one parent isn’t as active as they used to be, but doesn’t understand what divorce is or what it means.

My schedule was completely inconsistent, yet consistent in its own way.  This was another challenge I dealt with that other kids my age didn’t have to worry about. Most kids don’t need to be thinking about which night they get to go to their dad’s house for dinner and which nights are their nights with him. This was something I considered and thought about every single week. My dad was a police officer whose days off rotated. He and my mom had decided that I would stay with him the nights prior to his two days off. So, for example, if I were with him one week on Tuesday night and Wednesday night, I would be with him the following week on Wednesday night and Thursday night. Sometimes, especially when I was younger, it was hard for me to remember when I was supposed to be at my dad’s house, so I was occasionally caught by surprise.

Me and Matt.

One of my biggest challenges I faced was the changing of my family dynamic. My mom and I moved when I was almost five from our apartment into a house. This was easy to adapt to. However, my life changed significantly when I was seven and my mom married Matt. My step-dad is pretty great in my mind. However, having someone new in the house can turn the life of a seven year old upside down. As far as I can remember, there was never any true negativity or bad reactions to Matt living with us. I liked him because he was fun, let me play Spyro the Dragon on his PlayStation, and (best of all) had a Golden Retriever. There’s nothing better than a dog. Things were weird for awhile just because things were new and different at my mom’s, but eventually I got used to my family the way it had become.

When I was nine, Jake was born. I know that younger siblings are not a change that is

First time Jake and I met.

Family vacation, 2012

exclusive to those with divorced parents. I do think that the big age gap between the two of us is something that most kids don’t really have to deal with. By the time my brother was born, I had just turned nine and was about to start the third grade. Everyone I knew that had little brothers or sisters were only a few years older than them, in most cases five at the most. I was already a kid who felt I had a bit of my own life. Now my brother and I get along pretty well and enjoy being around one another. However, it took me a very long time to get used to my brother being around. I certainly couldn’t understand why everyone thought he was so cute and wasn’t quite sure if I’d end up being a fan of
the baby. After all, no one had even asked me if I wanted a younger sibling. My life changed significantly again. Now when I was with my mom, she was busier. We spent less time coloring or watching Disney movies. Though I can say I have never been jealous of the attention my brother got, it definitely was an adjustment getting used to not being the only one who belonged to my mom anymore.

A Positive Lesson

I think the most important impact my parents’ relationship and divorce has taught me is that I should never, ever be afraid to do something if it’s what will make me happy, especially when it comes to my personal relationships. They reached a point in their marriage where they realized that they simply no longer had the ability to make one another happy anymore. So, they did what was best for them (and what was best for me) and decided to divorce. I am so thankful and so proud of them for that.

In making their choice, they taught me that it is completely okay to fall out of love with someone. It is something that can happen, no matter how much you love someone and think you’re supposed to be with him or her forever. My whole life I grew up with an understanding that every relationship doesn’t work out and that that’s okay.  Relationships that were once alive and full of happiness and love can become unhealthy and two people can hold onto each other because they’re afraid not to. Breaking up is okay. Moving on is healthy. Sometimes people leave and, no matter how unhappy and hurt you are at first, it is possible to find happiness again in the future by yourself. And then eventually you can find happiness again with someone else.

Mom, me, Dad. Centerville High School graduation. 

Despite being divorced, my parents have been able to give me a wonderful example of what a healthy relationship looks like. Yeah, they were divorced when I was nearly four and I don’t even remember a time when they were together, honestly. BUT, they have been incredible friends to one another since the divorce. Any memory of an event that is significant in my life includes both of my parents there together. They get along amazingly. They have showed me that people who come into our lives won’t always fill the

spot we initially think they should, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be great at filling another role.

Parental Relationship

First day as an OU student.

I love both of my parents and am extremely close with both of them. I think this is partially because they are divorced. One of the few positive things found in studies of children who grow up with parents who are separated is that it allows them more one on one time with their parents and allows for a deeper connection to grow. This is something that is most certainly true in my case. I have never had to see my parents as the lawmaking unit that some of my friends did. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to get to know my parents as people on an individual level. Many people have come to the belief that children who grow up with divorced parents are distrusting of them and have trouble maintaining relationships that are positive with their parents into adulthood. According to Elizabeth Meneghan and Toby L. Parcel, the largest effect divorce has is an increasingly worse and more distant relationship between parents and their children (69-84). In my case, this couldn’t be any further from the truth.

Dad's first OU football game.

There are times when

I feel that I’m closer to one over the other, as I’m sure all children feel. I have a different connection with each of them, but based upon the relationships I see between my friends and their parents, I am confident in saying that I have a closer relationship with my parents than most children do, even those of my friends who come from a household with both parents. I think this comes from never viewing my parents as the unit that controls my life as I think so many of my peers did. Living separately with each of my parents allowed me to see them as Mom and Dad individually.

Strangers Who Became Family

An article written by Patrick F. Fagan and Aaron Churchill of the Marriage and Research Institute says, “Children in divorced families receive less emotional support, financial assistance, and practical help from their parents” (3). This is another official claim that my experience does not reflect in any way. Not only have my parents always been a support system in any way that I could ever have wanted or needed, my entire family has. The biggest and best effect my parents’ divorce has had on my life is the way my extended family has grown because of it. With my mom remarrying, I gained a third set of grandparents and even two more sets of great-grandparents.  Not to mention an aunt and eventual uncle and baby cousin and my stepdad’s cousin and his stepdaughters who are my age. I have so many people in my life that I’m lucky enough to consider family whom I never would have even known had my parents not divorced. I have a love and support system that is always there for me. I work hard in my education and daily life to be someone everyone in my family can be proud of.

Me with my stepdad's maternal side of the family. 

My family isn’t perfect. It’s not what is seen to be the American ideal and I recognize that. Sometimes divorce can lead to bad situations and “broken” families. My family isn’t broken; we’re just a little bit different. I’m thankful for every opportunity that has been given to me because of our imperfections. I have so many people who love me, are rooting for me, and are there to support me. I’m who I am because of them.

Elizabeth Meneghan and Toby L. Parcel, “Social Sources of Change in Children’s Home Environments: The Effects of Parental Occupational Experiences and Family Conditions,” Journal of Marriage and Family 57 (1995): 69-84.

Karen DeBord, “Focus on Kids: The Effects of Divorce on Children.” North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service.http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs471.pdf

Patrick F. Fagan and Aaron Churchill, “The Effects of Divorce on Children.” Marriage and Religion Research Institute. 11 Jan. 2012. http://downloads.frc.org/EF/EF12A22.pdf