Final Draft

The Long-term Effects of Child Abuse on Me

By Rhonda Hatfield

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (thehotline.org)

Child abuse is a wide-ranging concept that can be defined as ‘anything that hinders the optimal development of the child’. This includes physical abuse non-accidental injury (NAI), emotional abuse and deprivation, and child sexual abuse (CSA). (N. Speight p. 100)

 

My father abused me physically, mentally and emotionally. My sister, mom and I were the pawns in his game, we had to do his bidding or he would destroy us. I have severe long-term effects from this abuse and I can remember from early on in my life that something was very different about how my father treated me, my mom, and my sister. I can remember being afraid of him from a very young age. I remember the physical as well as the mental and emotional abuse. I remember the punching, kicking, and squeezing that I endured. I remember being called horrible things by my father, SOB, cunt, stupid and good for nothing, to name a few. I remember not being allowed to cry, he always got so angry with me when I did. I remember only being able to speak when spoken to. I remember growing up feeling as if I was not human. I had one therapist tell me that my abuse was the same as what prisoners of war go through when captured because of the sleep deprivation and mental and emotional abuse I suffered from while growing up. It was extremely difficult growing up in such a controlling, abusive environment. It devastated me to my core and I am still in recovery from it. 

The importance of emotional abuse and neglect

Although the damage that can result from non-accidental Injury should not be underestimated, it is possible that the consequences of emotional abuse and neglect are more important, both on a population and an individual basis, because they can cause such long-term damage to children’s developing personalities. (N. Speight p. 104)

Possible long-term consequences of emotional abuse and neglect (N. Speight p 104)

·         educational underachievement,

·         stunting of linear growth,

·         neurosis,

·         personality disorder,

·         psychopathy,

·         sociopathy: marital difficulties, alcohol and drug abuse,

·         criminality,

·         abuse in next generation.

                                                             

I see by Speights list of long-term consequences of emotional abuse and neglect that I experience some of these:

Educational underachievement:

I never did well in school growing up in abuse. I don’t know if it was because of the fact that I didn’t sleep well because I never knew when he was going to come in my room and wake me up to abuse me because he couldn’t sleep and it made him angry. Or, if it was because I was so caught up in survival mode that I was not able to concentrate on my work. I’m beginning to think now that it was a combination of both. It has taken me 32 years to get my college degree as well. I could only work on my college degree when I was mentally able to handle it. I have issues with short-term memory, so I have to read things two to three times just to understand what I read.

Stunting of linear growth:

I can see I experience this from growing up in abuse. I can see how I am emotionally and socially stunted. I have not learned how to socialize well. I stayed to myself growing up, usually only having one friend at a time. I never dated until I was nineteen, after my father died. I think this was because I was afraid when my friends or dates met my father, they would not want to be my friend anymore; you can only keep your family life hidden for so long before someone finds out. For some reason I was embarrassed about what was happening to me… when I should not have been.

Neurosis:

I have many neurosis. Whenever I am in public, I always feel like everyone is judging me. I think I do this because of how much my father told me I was worthless. I have always felt less than human and that because my own father felt this about me, I assumed the rest of the world did. I suffer from Anxiety which is triggered by anything that makes me upset or stressed. I have severe depression as a result of the abuse I experienced. I am hypersensitive due to never knowing when my father would explode and hit me. I was hyper-vigilant growing up, and I still see that in me.

Psychopathy:

I have CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have flashbacks to this day of him putting his hand around my neck and pushing me up against the wall and punching me in the head. (His favorite place to hit, maybe because my hair hid the bruises and bumps) As mentioned before I have Anxiety. I also suffer from severe depression. I have bouts were it gets so severe that I stay in bed for days.

Sociopathy: marital difficulties, alcohol, drug abuse:

I am glad I never turned to alcohol or drug abuse, but… I never married… I found it hard to be in relationships because I seemed to fall right into choosing men who tried to control me. These men did not start out this way… it seems that it was a gradual occurrence. It is like when they found out my story, they realized from what I had been through that I was ripe for the picking! I don’t understand wanting to control someone, even though I lived through it. Thank goodness, I did get out of the relationships, and after having two long-term relationships with two different men who had many of the tendencies that my father had, I gave up on relationships and ended up just raising my children on my own and hardly dating.

Criminality:

Thank goodness I never did anything criminal. I just don’t understand turning to crime, but it does happen to some who have been abused, and I can clearly understand why they do. Violence within families effects people differently and this is not how it affected me.

Abuse in the next generation:

I know that this happens to some abused people as well, but I never even thought about abusing my children. I did end up with an abusive man, but it only lasted four years because that is how long it took for me to finally get away from him. I was NOT going to raise my children in an abusive household after what it did to me! I never understood my father’s actions and would never wish them on, or do them to someone else! The abuse stopped with me!

 The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study is one of the largest investigations ever conducted to assess associations between childhood maltreatment and later-life health and well-being. The study is a collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente's Health Appraisal Clinic in San Diego. The ACE Study findings suggest that certain experiences are major risk factors for the leading causes of illness and death as well as poor quality of life in the United States. It is critical to understand how some of the worst health and social problems in our nation can arise as a consequence of adverse childhood experiences. Realizing these connections is likely to improve efforts towards prevention and recovery. (http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/#1)

One of the most difficult things that I have had to deal with due to the abuse I grew up with is that my sister, mom, and I have never been able to have a good relationship. My father kept us divided. I always think of the quote, “Divide and Conquer” when I think of how he was.

A divide and conquer strategy, also known as “divide and rule strategy” is often applied in the arenas of politics and sociology. In this strategy, one power breaks another power into smaller, more manageable pieces, and then takes control of those pieces one by one. It generally takes a very strong power to implement such a strategy. (http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-divide-and-conquer-strategy.htm). 

This strategy worked so well for my father that my sister, mom and I still do not have a good relationship. I feel like they are strangers to me even though we lived in the same house for 19 years. We hardly see each other and rarely spend holidays together. It is such a tragedy that we are still living as if he were still alive. I have asked them to go to therapy with me to try to have a better relationship, but neither one of them wants to. This makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am not worth it to them. This is the same feeling of self-worth I had growing up when I felt like my father did not think I was worth it. This one of the biggest issues I face right now.

Unfortunately, while growing up being abused by my father, I was also abused by my sister. I find it hard to even type the words let alone say them out loud. When my father and mother were not home, my sister took over where my father left off. I know that it wasn’t her fault growing up, she was reacting in the only way she knew how to what was happening to her. But, you get to a certain age where you should realize what you are doing is wrong and you stop. My sister did not. I was physically and mentally abused by her for fifty years and I had had enough.

  It is only in the last year that I broke ties with my sister completely, due to the continuing abuse. I cannot try to heal if I allow that kind of treatment in my life. I love my sister, but I cannot be around her. Since she wouldn’t go to family counseling with me to resolve our issues, I had to end the relationship. My mother is devastated, but she understands. My mom is afraid to talk to her about everything in fear that my sister will end her relationship with my mom. Divide And Conquer…. And so my father’s legacy of abuse continues….

                I know I may never have a relationship with my sister again, and it has taken me all year to come to terms with that. Although, I am still hurting from it, I realize that I tried as much as I could to get the family some help. I have been asking my mom and sister for years to go to counseling with no luck. My mom went one time with me, and never went back. I not only want a better relationship with them, I want them to feel better mentally as well.

In addition to physical and developmental problems, the stress of chronic abuse may result in anxiety and may make victims more vulnerable to problems such as post-traumatic stress disorder, conduct disorder, and learning, attention, and memory difficulties. (Dallam, 2001; Perry, 2001, Taken from www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/childmaltreatment/consequences.html)

                Finishing my degree in Communication Sciences and Disorders this past year has been a difficult journey. Because of my PTSD, I have had episodes of flashbacks, anxiety, and self-doubt throughout the year, and have fought hard to concentrate on my studies. I feel like the year has been a big blur and astounded I will be finally graduating from college! I don’t think I will believe it until I am walking across that stage and accepting that fake degree (the real one comes in the mail) into my hot little hands. It has taken me years to accomplish this goal and I am so happy to have finally done it!

I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I probably will never fully recover from the nineteen years of abuse from my father, but I am learning to deal with the consequences of the abuse through many years of therapy. I have been to several mental health therapy clinics, but the place that has really helped me the most is My Sister’s Place here in Athens, Ohio. This is the place made me realize that I have to let go of the people who continue to berate me and abuse me. This is the place that gave me strategies to deal with my anxiety. This is the place that made me realize it wasn’t my fault. This is the place that made me realize that I am human and I have worth…..

My Sister’s Place

Athens, Ohio

HOTLINE 1-800-443-3402

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, we can help. My Sister’s Place offers more than just shelter, you can contact us whether you would like to talk about coming into the shelter, schedule an outreach or just discuss what is happening at home. Inquiries about presentations, services, or donations can be directed to our business line at 740-594-8337.  (www.mspathens.org)

References

Speight, N., Current Pediatrics 16, (2006): 100-105. Print.

Elam, George A.; Kleist, David M., "Research on the Long-Term Effects of Child Abuse." The 

Family Journal 7.2 (1999): 154-60. Print.

National Domestic Violence Hotline, April 2015 <http://thehotline.org>

My Sister’s Place, April 2015 <http://www.mspathens.org>

Wisegeek, April 2015 <http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-a-divide-and-conquer-strategy.html>

April 2015 <http://www.googlepics.com>

Violence Prevention, Child Maltreatment, ACE Study, The ACE Pyramid, Center for Disease Control, April, 2015 <http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/childmaltreatmen/consequences.html>