The UNideal family - Final Draft

The UNIdeal Family

Statistics taken on single mothers are becoming more and more common and therefor helping people understand the roll that single mothers play in society today. A study completed in 2005 showed that there are 13.6 million single parents in the United States, 84 percent of which are single mothers. Society sets a label for those growing up and being involve in a single mother home, some of which include being poverty stricken and raising children with behavioral issues. Although I am not here to argue that these are absolutely not true, I am writing to give insight on a positive and successful story of being raised by a single mother. My successes this far in my life have not been based on being raised by a single mother, but by being given the love and support needed to encourage my hopes and dreams. Regardless of if your support system is a mom and a dad, or just a mom, I feel that if you are surrounded with the right role models and support system then you can accomplish the most out of life. In order to understand my story, it is important for my readers to understand the way single parenting has been reflected in society, most of which is negative. The effects of single parenting viewed by society are something I would like to break down for you before I begin telling you my side of things.

THE MOTHER
When a mother is suddenly faced with raising a family on her own, the first and most prominent issue is financial strain. In the video "Michael Kimmel: On Gender" Kimmel explains that in a normal home setting, with a husband and a wife, that:

 "Women want to be able to balance work and family. Women want to be able to have careers, they want to have family lives. You've run across a phrase: Can women have it all? Can women have exciting glamorous careers outside the home and warm loving supportive families to come home to? And the answer of course the that question, can women have it all, is no." 

In the case of single mothers, women are forced to "have it all" when needing to be the sole providers for their family which can cause a large amount of stress. Along with the financial stress also comes dealing with built up feelings of anger, resentment, and loss on a daily basis, most of which stay bottled up in order to be strong for the children's sake.

THE CHILD(ren)
When considering the children, the effects of single parenting are often times overlooked. Children are often made to follow the separation of their parents without the consideration of their thoughts and feelings on the situation. The most common thing seen from children being brought up in a broken home is the feeling of resentment and anger towards one or both of the parents. This anger can lead to and increased risk for teen pregnancy, drug abuse, criminal activity, and dropping out of school.

SOCIETY
One of the major effects of single parenting on society is economic based. There is an increase in public funding in order to help these parents financially. Many people view public funding to help others as a negative thing but this actually gives society a chance to help many children that are the future of this country. With the right support early on, these children are more likely to grow up and be active members of society.

MY STORY
I can remember asking my mom recently if dad ever left the house when I was younger and just didn't come back because I can remember going days at a time without seeing him. In 5th grade, I came home from school to a sit down at the inner table with my parents. When they told me they were splitting up that day, I felt blindsided... like it was out of nowhere. Now that I am older and put some pieces of my childhood back together, I realize that I had  been a long time coming. My dad had a drinking problem. Of course I was too young to understand that, but what I thought he was leaving for days at a time, he would really be at the bar already by the time I got out of school. I wouldn't see him in the mornings because he was sleeping his hangover off. Sometimes this would happen maybe 3-4 days in a row. I'm not sure what brought on his binges but I know that's a huge reason for my parents splitting up. I was so upset and I was so MAD! I was so mad that my dad wouldn't be living with us anymore and I was so mad that my mom was making him find a new place to live. Looking back now, I can see that them splitting up was probably one of the better things to happen to me in my life. It has caused me to struggle some while finding my place throughout school but it has also built me into the strong and independent woman I am today.
                    School was difficult for me after the separation. I automatically felt different from everyone. None of my friends had parents who didn't live together; who didn't get along. I come from a small, conservative town in mid-Ohio, so you never heard much of a broken home. My mom would assure me that it was totally normal. My mom even grew up in a broken home. "But mom, all my friends think it's weird that you and dad don't live together." She would tell me to let them think it's weird because we would be weird and happy together, just her me and my younger brother. I wasn't happy, and I was treated really differently because of something that was completely out of my control. For example, my family used to go on many vacations.
During my 8th grade year, my mom finally said I could invite a friend on vacation with us. I was thrilled to finally have someone other than my little brother to hang out with. I went to school the next day and asked my good friend Abree. She was so excited and couldn't wait to get home and ask her parents. Shortly after I got home that night, Abree's parents had called my mom. She came into my room and said Abree wasn't able to go on vacation with us. My mom never told me why but I was too bummed to ask. The next day at school, I asked Abree why her parents weren't letting her go on vacation with us and she explained that it was because there would only be one parent there to keep an eye on things and that didn't seem like enough supervision for two young girls. I couldn't believe after three years later that this separation was effecting my friendships like this.
                    High school was easier for me. I started finding myself and being independent of the label given to me because I was being raised by one parent. My junior year of high school, I read an article online called "A 'Normal' Family" which started off by saying:

"What is a “family”? Statistically, it is no longer a mother, a father and their biological children living together under one roof (and certainly not with Dad going off to work and Mom staying home).  Although perception and acceptance often lag behind reality, there is evidence that a new definition of family — while far from universally accepted — is emerging. (3)"

I had waited years to read about something like this! Although not specifically about a single parent home, this article showed me that my normal, which had been my normal for a long time was now actually starting to become normal. After reading one article online, I had felt more accepting of myself than I ever had before. It was my junior year of high school that changed my path for me.

MY FUTURE
It was my junior year of high school that I finally realized that I was able to overcome the label placed on me by my far from normal family situation. As I stated earlier, many children raised in a broken home are known to have behavioral issues and are more likely to drop out of school, get pregnant at an early age, ect,. I had seen a new light shown on the labels that held me back. I was a junior in high school, I had never been in any trouble, and I was a year out from graduating at the top of my class. I had been told my whole life that I was different; set up for failure. Reading one small blog online had changed my perception of myself and the views on my future. There is not doubt that I have had to work harder than most to get to where I am today. I got my first job when I was 16 and have worked ever since. I pay my own bills with minimal help from my mom because I have been raised to be so independent. I can do my own laundry and cook my own dinner, which is more than what most of my friends can say for themselves. My childhood was far from easy, but I can look back and thank my mom for being so strong because I would not be nearly as self-reliant had she not pushed me to do so.
                    I can definitely say that my upbringing has effected many relationships in my life, some being positive and others being negative. Coming to college, I felt more knowledgeable on everyday life skills. Having held down a job for almost three years, I knew the importance of earning my own money and saving. It was hard for me to establish friendships because of the lack of understanding most kids had. I never had anything easily handed to me in my life, while most people I met had. I knew the importance of going to class everyday because I knew what it was like to be paying my way through my own education and not relying on mommy and daddy to pay my way for me. When I finally did establish my group of friends, they were people who understood the value of a dollar and understood the importance of working for every penny had and earned. Not only did my childhood effect my friendships, but also my romantic relationships. Recently, my first "real" relationship ended. I have been told that I "don't show enough emotion" or that I "distance myself too much". This is something that I have been working on for a long time; probably since middle school. I know that someday I will find someone who understands that I have so much love to give, but only to those who are willing to give back, and to give me the support I need in all areas of my life. I will never need a man to pay my way through life but I will need a partner who will love and support me in all of life's ventures.
                    Finally getting out of my small, close-minded hometown was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I finally got to see the diversity of the world. As mentioned earlier, it was not common for those in my hometown to have divorced or separated parents. Coming to OU, I met friends of all different backgrounds and upbringings. It was nice for me to see the successes of others who were raised in a broken home. I know that I had many people doubting my abilities when I was growing up. Those parents who wouldn't let their kids hang out with me because there "wasn't enough supervision". Funny how those kids ended up going to college and running rampant because their childhood was obviously too supervised. I am thankful for the freedom that my mom gave to me. She let me make my own decisions while growing up (about reasonable things) while also being a parent and a voice of reason. People don't ever learn from their mistakes if they aren't able to make the mistakes in the first place. My mom was also raised in a broken home. She was the youngest of 6 kids... until she was 13 and my grandma got remarried and decided to have another baby. I am happy to say that my grandma was also one of my main supporters in my life and was also the one who taught my mom everything she knows about being supermom! I can say that the women who I have been lucky to be raised around have been some of the most influential people, to which I owe most my successes to. My success was not based on being raised by a mom and dad, but by being surrounded and loved by so many people other than just my parents. I have been blessed with a large, loud and LOVING family who have always been my number one supporters.
                    I am now completing my junior year of college. I have spent multiple semesters on the Dean's List and have a career path picked out that I absolutely love. I am on the road to graduating a semester early and pursuing graduate school to become a Speech-Language Pathologist. My passion for work has only increased, all thanks to watching such a hard working woman raise myself and my brother on her own. Breaking free of the labels of a child raised in a single parent home has not been easy but it has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. Hopefully more people will be willing to take a new look at themselves based on their abilities rather than what society says their abilities should be. I am proof that just because you come from a broken home doesn't mean you're set up for a broken life. I was raised by a one-in-a-million type home (literally)!  I think myself and many others have proven that success is always available for those who are willing to put in the extra work and time to overcome all obstacles in their way. Fortunately, I was blessed with one of the most supportive moms who showed me that anything is possible if you just work hard for it.